For the past 3 or 4 days, I’ve begun practice on a new performance program that’s really part of a new initiative to get me out there and performing more often. Up to now, I’ve had many internal battles that have kept me from actively performing, and they relate to battles I fight even when I compose. These are all related to self-confidence and overcoming my own inferiority complexes. Today, while working on the Bach 1st Cello Suite, I came to a realization, and I felt I had to write it down, and share it. I realized that in order for me to really move forward and become an active performer, I need to accept 3 absolute truths. Those are:

1) That I will always be terrified before a performance.
2) That I will never feel 100% “ready” for a performance.
3) That during any performance, I will always make mistakes.

Realizing these truths is the beginning – truly accepting them will be the challenge. In our age of absolute note perfect recordings, we have become a society that is completely intolerant of any error, no matter how small. However, in live performance, this just isn’t realistic. In the past, I’ve listened with such critical ears, that I turned those ears onto myself, until every little slip – every misplaced accent – every mis-shaped phrase – every flubbed note would send me into a downward spiral of “I can’t do this.”

I think I finally had the epiphany I need – now I need to work on acceptance.